Post Tour EuroPro Review Parte Deux – Boogaloo Electrique

Hmm, no wonder Breakin’ 2 didn’t do well in France.

Alright, this is what you’ve all been waiting for (ok, it’s just me, then). It’s time for the Europro Tour de France fashion dos and don’ts. This year the peloton produced some magical sartorial moments. But for every winner, there has to be a loser. Let’s get started. And the first category is…

Best Team Kit

Winner: Belkin


Belkin – so fresh and so clean

(Lars) Boom! Their first at bat with all the bases loaded and they slam-dunk a touchdown (I got the American sporting references right, yes?). Riding for the first half of the season, they were the non-sponsored Blanco. Oddly, lots of people dug that kit, but I just wasn’t feeling it. Then the US peripheral giant steps in right before the tour with a super-clean, super-stylish, green, black and white setup. Looking good guys. Modern, yet with a nod to the golden age of trade teams. Then what happens? They were everywhere! Mollema and Ten Dam were kicking it on GC. The whole team was drilling it on the front of the windswept stage 13. They were getting max airtime for their new sponsers and looking damned good doing it. Sometimes a fresh lick of paint (and a fat sponsor cheque) can make all the difference.

Loser: Lampre

The Little Prince

The Little Prince – this photo is the only evidence that he was at the Tour de France

Lampre were nowhere to be seen at this tour, not even in the breaks, and that’s probably for the best. Cunego, the little prince, must be tiny, because I never saw him at all for 3 weeks straight. Do they ever win anything? Really? Ever? Their kit always sucks. The pink and blue is not working at all. They ditched Wilier for Merida and lost even more Italian cool points. To be honest, last year, their kit was worse, but I’m docking serious points for lack of effort. If you’re going to rock hot pink, royal blue and flouro lime, then show that crazy shit off in an attack. That way we’d maybe have seen more of the one awesome thing you had going for you at this tour (more of that later).

Best Cap

Winner: Omega Pharma Quick Step



Was it the best cycling cap at the tour? To be honest, I don’t know, but it was the only one I remember seeing. Their kit sucks. Sorry. Gradients are OVER, man! OVER! But, they are a top level team and they actually wore cycling caps on the podium. Cheers for that! Cav, keep the soul fire burning. Chapeau! #capsnothats

Loser: Team Sky

Froome in a Hat

Not a cycling cap. From a company that sells cycling caps. And doesn’t sell baseball caps.

What the fucking fuck? I’ll say this right now up front. I love Rapha’s stuff. I love all that golden age of cycling nostalgia bullshit they sell me. I lap it all up, mostly because they actually make superb clothing. I love their cycling caps. So why the hell is Chris Froome wearing that ridiculous NASCAR/F1/Golf shit on his skeletal noggin on the podium? Can I buy a Team Sky straight bill douche hat on No, I can’t. Because it’s not a cycling cap. They have a very nice Team Sky cycling cap. I own one. It’s great. So what the hell was going on here? Was this part of the Murdoch 21st Century Fox tie-in before the tour? Make it more accessible to golfers? I can’t believe Simon Mottram was down with this. This is a travesty. A travesty! Alright, it just seems kind of weird to me.

Best Facial Hair

Winner: Tie – Jerome Cousin and José Serpa

Hirsutes you, sirs!


Jérôme Cousin wins most aggresive facial hair on stage 10

Wow. First of all, Europcar are amazing. They’re like the Dirty Dozen, but mostly French, and in tight lycra. OK, they’re nothing like the Dirty Dozen. They’re like the Seven Samurai, except there’s nine of them and only one of them’s Japanese and… OK, terrible analogies. They’re just brilliant and hilarious and swashbuckling and way more exciting to watch than most teams out there. Is there a breakaway? Well you can bet your last centime that somebody from Europcar is going to be in it, and chances are they’re going to be from a woefully under-represented ethnicity, or they’re going to make ridiculous faces, or they’re going to have a spectacular moustache, like Jérôme Cousin has.


Serpa – tachetastic

Remember what I said earlier about Lampre? Why didn’t I see this magnificent bigote until the third week of this tour, and why can’t I find a better picture of it? By the third week it was taking up half his face! Shame on you, Lampre! How could you deprive us of this amazing facial foliage? Oh, and he’s Colombian. Extra awesome points.

Loser: Peter Sagan

Clown Prince of the Peloton

Clown Prince of the Peloton

Yes, he’s amazing. Maybe people still really love clowns in Slovakia, but they scare the shit out of me.

Best Way to Show Off a Leader’s Jersey

Winner: Team Sky

Yellow Jersey, not yellow bibs

Yellow Jersey, not yellow bibs

You’ve got the yellow jersey for 2 weeks. Do you dye your pubic hair yellow? No. You wear the yellow jersey with your regular team bibs. Classic, classy. The opposite of that stupid fucking baseball hat! Sure, ride a custom yellow bike into Paris when you’ve actually won the Tour de France (still in your regular bibs), but don’t do what this guy did…

Loser: Team Europcar


You think the gloves are too much? Nah, I’m sure you’ll be wearing all this shit in Paris.

First week in the tour, you’ve been over a couple of small bumps and you’ve won the polka-dot jersey, What do you do? You don’t do this. Polka-dot bibs are never, ever right. I get it, you’re wild and crazy (mostly) Frenchmen, but that ain’t right.

Best Eyewear

Winner: Ryder Hesjedal

I'm just here to catch some tasty waves

I’m just here to catch some tasty waves

Hey look, Ryder isn’t wearing Oakleys like everyone else. He’s wearing big ass funky Swedish aviators.

Loser: Ryder Hesjedal

Hey look, Ryder is so cool and laid back in his big ass funky Swedish aviators. In the words of Liberace, ‘return to the classics’. Let’s let the Badger show you how you rock aviators and stick it to the man.

Badger don't care

Badger don’t care

Best Bike

Winner: Europcar


So it’s not the best shot of the bike, but it has the seal of approval of this guy, and he’s wearing a cycling cap.

White Colnago C59 with Campy 80th Anniversary Super Record. Enough Said.

Loser: Everyone else

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>